![]() A history of dysfunctional relationships and fragile self-esteem has led us to believe that people wont like us (and perhaps theyll abandon or reject us) if we ask for too much or have complicated feelings. Again, we dont want to be difficult (that might lead to a conflict) and we dont want to be a burden or need anything because that might drive people away. Related to this is our desire to be easy going or low maintenance. When this happens repeatedly, we learn that we shouldnt ask for anything because no one cares about our needs and they wont be met. Again, you may have been punished when you asked for something or your needs may have been ignored. You also may have learned in childhood that you shouldnt need anything. So, you may say, Im fine because you really dont know how you feel. And after years of suppressing and numbing your feelings, you may not even be aware of them. Or if you had a parent who was deeply depressed, you may be unconsciously compelled to avoid your own feelings of sadness, grief, or hopelessness. For example, if you had a parent who raged, you may be afraid of anger and want to avoid being angry or angering others. Many of us also grew up with parents who couldnt regulate their own emotions. As a result, we learned to suppress our feelings and to numb them with food or alcohol or other compulsive behaviors. We were told to stop crying or we were punished when we expressed our feelings, or our feelings were ignored. Most of us grew up in families where we werent allowed to be angry or sad. In general, codependents are uncomfortable with emotions. We also use Im fine to shield ourselves from painful feelings. Sharing our true feelings or opinions might cause someone to get angry with us and thats scary or at least uncomfortable. We pretend to be fine to avoid conflicts. So, why do we deny our problems or pretend to be okay? Often, the longer we try to ignore things, the bigger the problems become. However, we all know that avoidance isnt a good long-term strategy. It seems easier to avoid certain problems, traumatic memories, and difficult feelings. We want others to think everything is working out great for us because were afraid of the shame, embarrassment, and judgment that might come if people knew the truth (that were struggling, our lives are unmanageable, our loved ones are troubled, that were not perfect, etc.).Īnd if we acknowledge our problems to others, we have to face them and admit to ourselves that were not happy, our lives arent perfect, or we need help.ĭenial is understandable. Its the image we want to present to the rest of the world. Pretending that we dont have any problems, difficult emotions, or conflicts is a facade. When we say, Im fine or Everythings fine, we’re denying our true feelings and experiences we’re hoping to convince ourselves and others that everything really is okay.
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